journal stuff

There doesn't come a time when you are done with a phase and things just don't want to move forward. This time that doesn't come is destructive to your faith, your sanity, and your personal health. This recurring theme that is in certain peoples lives more than others and more and more in mine has come to change my perception of reality. Formerly I was much more optimistic on the power of spirit, the power of soul. Now it amazes me how strong of a factor environment makes. It disheartens me, it has changed my perspective so much on life in general that I no longer have any will to live, or die. In a huge way, a HUGE way; I mean everything I do is different now. It saddens me, but it seems like an honest realization.
There was a good line that I never noticed before in the Dark Knight, that speaks of how sometimes the truth isn't good enough, sometimes the people deserve more, they deserve some reason to fight for good, to continue. I think I truly believe that on so many levels now. I just never thought I would personally have to experience it. I think I felt safe, or immune, for a long time even after it was obvious I wasn't, and I was suffering in this way. I previously thought that this feeling was temporary, or that it was for some greater spiritual purpose or growth, which it might have been, if it hadn't continued for the majority of my life. There is no more growing now, there is only lost time, pain, frustration, and anger. I am a patient person, and as such sometimes it takes me a while to stand up for myself.
This time is over, and now I say to this place, this time, that I am through with your fucking bullshit. WE as a people are through, we as a people will no longer use religious propaganda as an excuse for the excessive pains of life that hold us as good people back from being productive spiritually. We the people long ago proclaimed independence from persecution of our religious beliefs, financial ancestry, and freedom of speech now proclaim the freedom of our spiritual existence!
We proclaim asylum from the powers that be! Someone should put me in an asylum you say? Well that may be the case, but it certainly isn't because I proclaim freedom from a stolid, unconscious force that repeatedly wrecks havoc on this land. Join me in freeing yourselves! Do not be tied to the thoughts of life and death, or feelings of joy and pain, do not be tied to these but instead take control of them. There is no benevolent being who oversees all, only all of us beings.

So when my stomach does its thang, which it has been doing a lot recently but not nearly as bad as a year ago, it is a big blah. I don't specifically know what is going on with it now, as I have been treating for Celiac's with extreme care and it appears much happier but still not right. This could be because it is still damaged from the former gluten I had accidentally put in it and slowly recovering, or that it is not Celiac's, and some mystery digestive problem. I know it sounds strange to hope for Celiac's, but after years of searching for the cause of my tiredness and eventual stomach trauma I am happy to possibly know what it is. I am thrilled at the chance that I have Celiac's disease! because I will now be able to avoid being tired all the damn time and eat things without wanting to vomit! Yes, that's right! Ahh, eating things used to be so much fun - back in the day.
So the blah: the blah feels like a stomach ache that drains all the blood from your head so that you cannot think or feel, hence you become blah. It can last for up to four hours on the worst of the blah, if I ate a chicken biscuit or a doughnut or two that is the response I would receive. Today it is like an hour and a half semi-blah, which isn't bad and I can still function at like 75% capacity. So I am hopeful that this means I am simply healing, and my system is also confused by the lack of nicotine as well - as I am almost completely done with cigarettes. (like a half a smoke a day and shrinking) But the blah kills all joy and renders one powerless!! I had to sneak up on the blah to thwart it, and spend years of planning to begin the overthrow of its corrupt government of my digestive tract. I am still weeding out the evil, it is a long hard fight but this is what change looks like. If I do actually fix myself, I will have a most gratifying feeling, perseverance of 14 years of life lost to pain. Nothing I could imagine would be more satisfying.
So let us hope that I am on the right tract, and soon we will figure me out and I can be energized and powerful again! Ready to fight against all those who thwart our peace as a civilization and other such things as well! To arms, to arms! Bless you stomach and the other obnoxious things in this world which we need to change as a people for us to be happy. Amen

This may be the first time in my life where I am so worn down that nothing matters anymore. Not in a negative or positive way per say, but it is certainly a depressing realization. How is this not negative you ask? Because I am so happy that it doesn't really matter to me anymore. I am so glad to be through with care. The bad cares are what I refer to of course; overly self-conscious, guilt, greed, I am virtually free of any negative desires. I do not care if I live or die, for the lack of pain death would mean seems to equal the disappointment that I would feel for dying with an unfulfilled life. Thus life or death are neither friend nor foe, as they occasional switch roles according to the amount of pain I am in.
"Oh god, how sweet is the breath of life! Nothing could be filled with such wonder, ecstasy, and adventure! Death, you inescapable thief, all you do is take our Eutopia away."
To a day when everything sucks and I can feel nothing because of a personal betrayal and/or recurring sickness in my gut.
"Please let me die, that I may let go of this evanescent tease and attain happiness. The cruel pains of existence serve a sick absurdity that I wish to be no part of."
I grow tired of the role change, life and death are too different of animals to be swapped around regularly. Thus, being through with this care is a relief in very few, but important ways. It certainly clears the mind, and gives rise to freedom of oneself from obligations. It can be destructive to those things that you have worked so hard for though, so I am invoking reason to certain things during this period, so that when care returns I will not be screwed.
Hopefully, I can retain something from this period and grow permanently. For I am so sick and tired of going over and over the same pains for no reason. One can only grow so much at a time, and after even after one of those rare occasions where manages to grow and live perfectly, life still causes pain. Pain is not always purposeful, we like to pair pain and purpose because it gives us a reason to continue, but there is not always a reason to continue, and there is not always a reason for pain.
I am of the belief that the pain we cause ourselves is very important towards spiritual growth, but the excessive pain that this world causes often times renders us zombies. It renders us undead, with no freewill left, only the instincts for emotional and physical survival. It is during this period that there is no growth, and thus pain is counter productive to our spirit, to life. This helps give me purpose on days when I do care, because I am determined to help rid our world of excessive pain.
For the time being, I am completely happy that nothing really matters. I do hope that one day the good things will matter again, when I am not rendered anhedonic by illness and emotional atrophy, but as anyone can see nothing really matters, nothing really matters to me.
Anywhere the wind blows...

I haven't been this excited for something in quite a while, a genuine excitement about life that is basically an oasis in a desert at this point. I haven't lived in a place where I have had a home for about seven years, but I know I am moving to one. There is that unmistakable feeling of comfort, a place where you can always go that is safe. Not having that is well, unhealthy to say the least. Not having a reliable foundation of people you are close to is suicide, not physical suicide obviously, but certainly mental suicide.
Not having that for so long and being so emotionally vulnerable twenty-four seven has made me well, tired to say the least. It's a to say the least entry in my journal today, to say the least. Not having that has made me understand and relate to the damaged and broken that much more, because a lot of it really isn't there fault, they just got the shaft on a strong family. I realized that you can make a home, and it usually takes about 3 years through meeting people and making friends. I realize this because I almost had one again in Asheville before I moved and started all over again... phew, TSTL.
Enough about relating to the emotionally damaged, I feel as though enough people have written about it to account for the entire history of humanity. That and I am finally to a point where I am not damaged again, most of the time.
So some of the things that happen before you move have begun: excitement, the thrill of leaving your crap job (and slow realization that you'll be replacing it with another), finally and most painfully meeting a possibly perfect mate that you would love to be with, but you are moving. Son of a Bitch! But alas, it was probably just something that found you because of your newly found excitement and energy. I dunno, I am certainly willing to try and start a relationship and keep it going from 2 and a half hours away, I think that 2 and a half hours is the limit. I doubt that it will happen though, but that's just from biased based on sub-par partners. This one could be above par, she could be the hole-in-one. Probably the birdie though, she seems like a birdie.
She has two things that are rarely together for me, the lovey dovey feeling and comfort. I have imagined being with a girl named Lauren who likes going to festivals before I met her, and I always wanted to meet a vegetarian that made me stop eating meat, lol. This serendipity and cute matching interests are always the perfect equation for luuuve. Or disaster, usually both, but that has historically been without the feeling of comfort, which makes sense. Anyways, I doubt it will ever get to that point, it is as far fetched as publishing a novel. That being a nudge and a wink to reality, or the powers that be.
Where am I in this entry? I forgot. Ahh! Excitement about going home. It is great to have something trump the excitement of meeting a girl, having a home trumps it though. If there is ever a time when I have a chance at making a home with such a girl, that would most certainly trump the former. But going home, Yay! the end.

So, I made a mistake today. It was a very simple, stealthy and cheap one that I was unprepared for. I was at work, just about to greet my first table, when one of the Hostesses asked me if i wanted to go home. I immediately said "YES!" because I was unaware that I actually wanted to work today. The feeling of regret that followed was quite confusing! I was like why do I feel as if I do want to work today after all? But it was too late, I had already given up my shift.
So I greeted my first table, and found them to be delightful, I even let their six month old son attempt to write the order for me. I also noticed this woman who was just beaming, an older woman who just had an amazing energy. As I traded shifts with the server who showed up soon after, I noticed that she sat down in my section. This, I postulated, was why I wanted to work today, to serve that woman and realize why there was so much energy present. Spiritually I was supposed to stay and trade energies with these people, I could tell. Alas! It was too late, and I hung around and talked to Amanda at the bar for a while and decided to leave. I did not feel right intervening personally to the tables, it would have been awkward.
This was a slight trickle-down mistake, of which I have no idea the ramifications. She could have been a literary agent! But most likely not, and I just missed an energizing afternoon. As I drove home I still could not shake that feeling that it was a big mistake, but when I thought about it like that I knew it was wrong. This single mistake wasn't big, it was the continual mistake I make of not trusting my feeling, my soul. Or at least of making a premature decision before asking my soul. To my defense I have worked like 50 hours this week and any time off sounded pretty rockin. But, the bigger picture remains, I must learn to avoid the fight or flight response of instinct, instinct is not self-aware. Gut and instinct are not meant to be worded together, because they are two completely different animals all together. The gut must be trusted, it is a feeling of connection to the self beyond explanation. This is why I felt so guilty for making what is essentially a silly mistake, because of the bigger picture.
All of the opportunities, conversations, and friends that I have missed because I have not properly felt out the situation are symbolized, and made present by making that choice again. Thus, for the future I must learn to trust, and take the time to feel out this life. Slowing down will help tons, because we speed through too many decisions that require focus to understand the way to turn.
Thus, the simple mistake I challenge! I challenge ye to a rematch! It is inevitable, why wait mistake? afraid? You should be! I might not make you the next time! We'll see, oh yes, we shall see. I'll get you soon mistake, even if it takes a few more times, your ass is mine.

Have you ever felt like you finally met the one? I may have. I don't know if it's one of those things that you know when it happens, I would think that you would know when it is the right time. I think I have met the one, but it has never been the right time. I can't even imagine someone who I would better fit with.
Almost every show, every type of music, politics, anything I can imagine we agree on or love to debate about. No matter how bad life is, just talking to her is enough to make me love life again. I would be happy just to be friends and hang out forever. There is no money that can buy that connection. She even feels the same way. I can tell, but she is engaged. Yes, engaged. Just recently to my credit, to a strapping young lad I cannot dis. Why? because of timing, we have never had the right timing, and I have this biting feeling that she has to figure out what she really wants before she is ready for me. By that time, I might have moved on. It might be many many years before that realization hits her, and I can't waste my life waiting for someone who might never get it.
I have never been able to be comfortable being myself around someone I like until I met her, I thought that was the sign. In fact, I may have been right. If I had been as hardcore as I am now then things might have been different, but I was shy then, hence timing. It will be interesting to see how things play out because I feel something will come of this. At least I will find out what we are supposed to be and why I would have such clear feelings for something the first time in my life. The only thing that plays any doubt in my mind is her actions, she has never fought for me. I can't understand how such a connection isn't fought for. I know it is there, but perhaps this is my key, perhaps she isn't the one because she doesn't fight for me.
If this is true, I feel as though someone else would make themselves apparent. Or at least some competition, but nothing has even come close. Everything I really want leads back to her, and I'm not even thinking about her often or that taken with her at the moment. I just wish I knew what the hell I am supposed to be doing, I feel like a jack ass.
I dunno, it's a phenomena. She has gained many pounds since the first time I met her, but i could care less. I mean, total lack of caring, I've never had that before. Granted I am pretty deep, not very superficial. I just want to talk to her forever, watch movies, cook, play frisbee in the park, have little dinner parties and play, just play. I miss those small things so bad not talking to her is like a divorce for me. I have waited to fall in love with someone for many years since the last time because it was gruesome. This time, I was never able to tell her, because I couldn't hurt someone like that, and it would be too greedy, not to mention out of place.
I have never told someone that I love them, I've never been in a relationship where I was in love, the time just hasn't come yet, and I know what I want. I just don't understand why what I really want doesn't exist. All it would have to do to exist is want me back, that is the only thing I would change. Why are you ignoring the greatest thing to ever happen to you? That is what i don't get.
Le sigh. Love is a many splendid thing, but there are many types of it that keep me going. Maybe one day she will realize, or maybe not, and there is something esle, but I am glad I tried, I am glad I fought as hard as I could, and as justly as I could, because it shows love that I truly love it, and am not greedy or power hungy for it, but that I am its soldier.