journal stuff

There doesn't come a time when you are done with a phase and things just don't want to move forward. This time that doesn't come is destructive to your faith, your sanity, and your personal health. This recurring theme that is in certain peoples lives more than others and more and more in mine has come to change my perception of reality. Formerly I was much more optimistic on the power of spirit, the power of soul. Now it amazes me how strong of a factor environment makes. It disheartens me, it has changed my perspective so much on life in general that I no longer have any will to live, or die. In a huge way, a HUGE way; I mean everything I do is different now. It saddens me, but it seems like an honest realization.
There was a good line that I never noticed before in the Dark Knight, that speaks of how sometimes the truth isn't good enough, sometimes the people deserve more, they deserve some reason to fight for good, to continue. I think I truly believe that on so many levels now. I just never thought I would personally have to experience it. I think I felt safe, or immune, for a long time even after it was obvious I wasn't, and I was suffering in this way. I previously thought that this feeling was temporary, or that it was for some greater spiritual purpose or growth, which it might have been, if it hadn't continued for the majority of my life. There is no more growing now, there is only lost time, pain, frustration, and anger. I am a patient person, and as such sometimes it takes me a while to stand up for myself.
This time is over, and now I say to this place, this time, that I am through with your fucking bullshit. WE as a people are through, we as a people will no longer use religious propaganda as an excuse for the excessive pains of life that hold us as good people back from being productive spiritually. We the people long ago proclaimed independence from persecution of our religious beliefs, financial ancestry, and freedom of speech now proclaim the freedom of our spiritual existence!
We proclaim asylum from the powers that be! Someone should put me in an asylum you say? Well that may be the case, but it certainly isn't because I proclaim freedom from a stolid, unconscious force that repeatedly wrecks havoc on this land. Join me in freeing yourselves! Do not be tied to the thoughts of life and death, or feelings of joy and pain, do not be tied to these but instead take control of them. There is no benevolent being who oversees all, only all of us beings.