journal stuff

So, I made a mistake today. It was a very simple, stealthy and cheap one that I was unprepared for. I was at work, just about to greet my first table, when one of the Hostesses asked me if i wanted to go home. I immediately said "YES!" because I was unaware that I actually wanted to work today. The feeling of regret that followed was quite confusing! I was like why do I feel as if I do want to work today after all? But it was too late, I had already given up my shift.
So I greeted my first table, and found them to be delightful, I even let their six month old son attempt to write the order for me. I also noticed this woman who was just beaming, an older woman who just had an amazing energy. As I traded shifts with the server who showed up soon after, I noticed that she sat down in my section. This, I postulated, was why I wanted to work today, to serve that woman and realize why there was so much energy present. Spiritually I was supposed to stay and trade energies with these people, I could tell. Alas! It was too late, and I hung around and talked to Amanda at the bar for a while and decided to leave. I did not feel right intervening personally to the tables, it would have been awkward.
This was a slight trickle-down mistake, of which I have no idea the ramifications. She could have been a literary agent! But most likely not, and I just missed an energizing afternoon. As I drove home I still could not shake that feeling that it was a big mistake, but when I thought about it like that I knew it was wrong. This single mistake wasn't big, it was the continual mistake I make of not trusting my feeling, my soul. Or at least of making a premature decision before asking my soul. To my defense I have worked like 50 hours this week and any time off sounded pretty rockin. But, the bigger picture remains, I must learn to avoid the fight or flight response of instinct, instinct is not self-aware. Gut and instinct are not meant to be worded together, because they are two completely different animals all together. The gut must be trusted, it is a feeling of connection to the self beyond explanation. This is why I felt so guilty for making what is essentially a silly mistake, because of the bigger picture.
All of the opportunities, conversations, and friends that I have missed because I have not properly felt out the situation are symbolized, and made present by making that choice again. Thus, for the future I must learn to trust, and take the time to feel out this life. Slowing down will help tons, because we speed through too many decisions that require focus to understand the way to turn.
Thus, the simple mistake I challenge! I challenge ye to a rematch! It is inevitable, why wait mistake? afraid? You should be! I might not make you the next time! We'll see, oh yes, we shall see. I'll get you soon mistake, even if it takes a few more times, your ass is mine.