journal stuff
Friday, August 28, 2009
The Mistake
So, I made a mistake today. It was a very simple, stealthy and cheap one that I was unprepared for. I was at work, just about to greet my first table, when one of the Hostesses asked me if i wanted to go home. I immediately said "YES!" because I was unaware that I actually wanted to work today. The feeling of regret that followed was quite confusing! I was like why do I feel as if I do want to work today after all? But it was too late, I had already given up my shift.
So I greeted my first table, and found them to be delightful, I even let their six month old son attempt to write the order for me. I also noticed this woman who was just beaming, an older woman who just had an amazing energy. As I traded shifts with the server who showed up soon after, I noticed that she sat down in my section. This, I postulated, was why I wanted to work today, to serve that woman and realize why there was so much energy present. Spiritually I was supposed to stay and trade energies with these people, I could tell. Alas! It was too late, and I hung around and talked to Amanda at the bar for a while and decided to leave. I did not feel right intervening personally to the tables, it would have been awkward.
This was a slight trickle-down mistake, of which I have no idea the ramifications. She could have been a literary agent! But most likely not, and I just missed an energizing afternoon. As I drove home I still could not shake that feeling that it was a big mistake, but when I thought about it like that I knew it was wrong. This single mistake wasn't big, it was the continual mistake I make of not trusting my feeling, my soul. Or at least of making a premature decision before asking my soul. To my defense I have worked like 50 hours this week and any time off sounded pretty rockin. But, the bigger picture remains, I must learn to avoid the fight or flight response of instinct, instinct is not self-aware. Gut and instinct are not meant to be worded together, because they are two completely different animals all together. The gut must be trusted, it is a feeling of connection to the self beyond explanation. This is why I felt so guilty for making what is essentially a silly mistake, because of the bigger picture.
All of the opportunities, conversations, and friends that I have missed because I have not properly felt out the situation are symbolized, and made present by making that choice again. Thus, for the future I must learn to trust, and take the time to feel out this life. Slowing down will help tons, because we speed through too many decisions that require focus to understand the way to turn.
Thus, the simple mistake I challenge! I challenge ye to a rematch! It is inevitable, why wait mistake? afraid? You should be! I might not make you the next time! We'll see, oh yes, we shall see. I'll get you soon mistake, even if it takes a few more times, your ass is mine.
So I greeted my first table, and found them to be delightful, I even let their six month old son attempt to write the order for me. I also noticed this woman who was just beaming, an older woman who just had an amazing energy. As I traded shifts with the server who showed up soon after, I noticed that she sat down in my section. This, I postulated, was why I wanted to work today, to serve that woman and realize why there was so much energy present. Spiritually I was supposed to stay and trade energies with these people, I could tell. Alas! It was too late, and I hung around and talked to Amanda at the bar for a while and decided to leave. I did not feel right intervening personally to the tables, it would have been awkward.
This was a slight trickle-down mistake, of which I have no idea the ramifications. She could have been a literary agent! But most likely not, and I just missed an energizing afternoon. As I drove home I still could not shake that feeling that it was a big mistake, but when I thought about it like that I knew it was wrong. This single mistake wasn't big, it was the continual mistake I make of not trusting my feeling, my soul. Or at least of making a premature decision before asking my soul. To my defense I have worked like 50 hours this week and any time off sounded pretty rockin. But, the bigger picture remains, I must learn to avoid the fight or flight response of instinct, instinct is not self-aware. Gut and instinct are not meant to be worded together, because they are two completely different animals all together. The gut must be trusted, it is a feeling of connection to the self beyond explanation. This is why I felt so guilty for making what is essentially a silly mistake, because of the bigger picture.
All of the opportunities, conversations, and friends that I have missed because I have not properly felt out the situation are symbolized, and made present by making that choice again. Thus, for the future I must learn to trust, and take the time to feel out this life. Slowing down will help tons, because we speed through too many decisions that require focus to understand the way to turn.
Thus, the simple mistake I challenge! I challenge ye to a rematch! It is inevitable, why wait mistake? afraid? You should be! I might not make you the next time! We'll see, oh yes, we shall see. I'll get you soon mistake, even if it takes a few more times, your ass is mine.
Monday, August 10, 2009
The One
Have you ever felt like you finally met the one? I may have. I don't know if it's one of those things that you know when it happens, I would think that you would know when it is the right time. I think I have met the one, but it has never been the right time. I can't even imagine someone who I would better fit with.
Almost every show, every type of music, politics, anything I can imagine we agree on or love to debate about. No matter how bad life is, just talking to her is enough to make me love life again. I would be happy just to be friends and hang out forever. There is no money that can buy that connection. She even feels the same way. I can tell, but she is engaged. Yes, engaged. Just recently to my credit, to a strapping young lad I cannot dis. Why? because of timing, we have never had the right timing, and I have this biting feeling that she has to figure out what she really wants before she is ready for me. By that time, I might have moved on. It might be many many years before that realization hits her, and I can't waste my life waiting for someone who might never get it.
I have never been able to be comfortable being myself around someone I like until I met her, I thought that was the sign. In fact, I may have been right. If I had been as hardcore as I am now then things might have been different, but I was shy then, hence timing. It will be interesting to see how things play out because I feel something will come of this. At least I will find out what we are supposed to be and why I would have such clear feelings for something the first time in my life. The only thing that plays any doubt in my mind is her actions, she has never fought for me. I can't understand how such a connection isn't fought for. I know it is there, but perhaps this is my key, perhaps she isn't the one because she doesn't fight for me.
If this is true, I feel as though someone else would make themselves apparent. Or at least some competition, but nothing has even come close. Everything I really want leads back to her, and I'm not even thinking about her often or that taken with her at the moment. I just wish I knew what the hell I am supposed to be doing, I feel like a jack ass.
I dunno, it's a phenomena. She has gained many pounds since the first time I met her, but i could care less. I mean, total lack of caring, I've never had that before. Granted I am pretty deep, not very superficial. I just want to talk to her forever, watch movies, cook, play frisbee in the park, have little dinner parties and play, just play. I miss those small things so bad not talking to her is like a divorce for me. I have waited to fall in love with someone for many years since the last time because it was gruesome. This time, I was never able to tell her, because I couldn't hurt someone like that, and it would be too greedy, not to mention out of place.
I have never told someone that I love them, I've never been in a relationship where I was in love, the time just hasn't come yet, and I know what I want. I just don't understand why what I really want doesn't exist. All it would have to do to exist is want me back, that is the only thing I would change. Why are you ignoring the greatest thing to ever happen to you? That is what i don't get.
Le sigh. Love is a many splendid thing, but there are many types of it that keep me going. Maybe one day she will realize, or maybe not, and there is something esle, but I am glad I tried, I am glad I fought as hard as I could, and as justly as I could, because it shows love that I truly love it, and am not greedy or power hungy for it, but that I am its soldier.
Almost every show, every type of music, politics, anything I can imagine we agree on or love to debate about. No matter how bad life is, just talking to her is enough to make me love life again. I would be happy just to be friends and hang out forever. There is no money that can buy that connection. She even feels the same way. I can tell, but she is engaged. Yes, engaged. Just recently to my credit, to a strapping young lad I cannot dis. Why? because of timing, we have never had the right timing, and I have this biting feeling that she has to figure out what she really wants before she is ready for me. By that time, I might have moved on. It might be many many years before that realization hits her, and I can't waste my life waiting for someone who might never get it.
I have never been able to be comfortable being myself around someone I like until I met her, I thought that was the sign. In fact, I may have been right. If I had been as hardcore as I am now then things might have been different, but I was shy then, hence timing. It will be interesting to see how things play out because I feel something will come of this. At least I will find out what we are supposed to be and why I would have such clear feelings for something the first time in my life. The only thing that plays any doubt in my mind is her actions, she has never fought for me. I can't understand how such a connection isn't fought for. I know it is there, but perhaps this is my key, perhaps she isn't the one because she doesn't fight for me.
If this is true, I feel as though someone else would make themselves apparent. Or at least some competition, but nothing has even come close. Everything I really want leads back to her, and I'm not even thinking about her often or that taken with her at the moment. I just wish I knew what the hell I am supposed to be doing, I feel like a jack ass.
I dunno, it's a phenomena. She has gained many pounds since the first time I met her, but i could care less. I mean, total lack of caring, I've never had that before. Granted I am pretty deep, not very superficial. I just want to talk to her forever, watch movies, cook, play frisbee in the park, have little dinner parties and play, just play. I miss those small things so bad not talking to her is like a divorce for me. I have waited to fall in love with someone for many years since the last time because it was gruesome. This time, I was never able to tell her, because I couldn't hurt someone like that, and it would be too greedy, not to mention out of place.
I have never told someone that I love them, I've never been in a relationship where I was in love, the time just hasn't come yet, and I know what I want. I just don't understand why what I really want doesn't exist. All it would have to do to exist is want me back, that is the only thing I would change. Why are you ignoring the greatest thing to ever happen to you? That is what i don't get.
Le sigh. Love is a many splendid thing, but there are many types of it that keep me going. Maybe one day she will realize, or maybe not, and there is something esle, but I am glad I tried, I am glad I fought as hard as I could, and as justly as I could, because it shows love that I truly love it, and am not greedy or power hungy for it, but that I am its soldier.
